deal with a narcissist If you are in a relationship with a Narcissist, in his mind, you are an extension of him/her and he/she must always win, so his/her eruptions of temper and ego and devaluations and guilt are sharp and designed to cut you to the core, leaving you wounded. So, in an overall sense, you will experience problems with his/her lack of honesty, humilityandempathy for your feelings. Also, he/she will havedifficulties with intimacywith you. Honestly sharing your thoughts, feelings and desires with each other makes the Narcissist very scared and vulnerable, so he/she will avoid it. He/she is unable to relate to other people other than in terms of his own inflated self image and his unrealistic projections of himself/herself onto others, so as his/her partner you are expected to provide adulation and perfect responsiveness. When you fail to do this, you can expect to be devalued, by raging, blaming or the silent treatment. Theserapid vacillationsbetween absolutely overvaluing (and idealising) you, and then completely devaluing you make a healthy relationship almost impossible to sustain. The best advice is to be aware of and recognise what is happening and stand up for yourself on each occasion. How effective this strategy will be will dependent on your commitment to not back down, and his/her degree of Narcissism. Most partners find that standing up for themselves in the relationship is fraught with difficulties, as often the Narcissist will double and treble his/her defensive responses when you start to do so, in order for you to retreat to the way you were, so realistically, most partners find that the support of a good counsellor/Psychologist who understands these challenges is usually needed. Can your relationship be helped? If both you and your partner are committed to make your relationship a healthy and happy one, then I believethis is worth working on. Finding a Psychologist who is familiar and experienced with these conditions is important as Narcissism can be notoriously difficult to pick up in a few sessions if the Psychologist is not trained in this. (Education on Narcissism is taught in Psychology courses but does not fully explain the widespread occurrence of this condition, and also the full ramifications of this, particularly to the partner. We at the Hart Centre are committed to ongoing education and training in these areas and in supporting you in managing yourself and your relationships.) The success of relationship and marriage counselling depends on many factors, but is largely due to thecommitment of both partners to see their patterns and contributions, and be willing to change. Your partner's ability to do this will depend on his level of Narcissism. You will often not know how willing you and your partner are to do this until you attempt to do so. You will be able to see for yourselves over 3 to 6 sessionswhat real efforteach of you are putting in to see the problems, own your contributions and make changes. If, after reading the information here, you feel you are definitely living with a Narcissist, I suggest you come to thefirst session(or book a Skype session)on your own. If you feel your first choice is to work on your relationship, then we can then follow this first session with a session with your partner individually, thencommence couples sessionswith both of you. I also suggest that there is aPlan B in place, so that after an agreed on number of couples sessions, if you feel you are not achieving the changes and results you want, then you continue coming to sessions on your own to look at your options and be supported in doing your own work of rebuilding your Identity, boundaries and possibly new life. Relationship and Individual Counselling is available by our trained Psychologists in 70 locations Australia wide, either In-house, by Phone or Skype Sessions - 50 mins Find your nearest Psychologist from the Search box on the right hand side of this page. Cost: $150 ($170 for after hours sessions) Phone1300 830 552to enquire or make an appointment. Private Health Insurance Rebates apply and Medicare Rebates may apply (please check for details) Individual Empowerment help for you as a Partner You may choose to come for individual sessions on your own, if you prefer to continue to stay in the relationship and also work on your own self empowerment and assertiveness in your sessions with the Psychologist. If your partner's degree of Narcissism is not severe and he/she is more benevolent, this can be worthwhile and helpful to develop your capacity to find your own strength and hold your ground with him/her. If his/her degree of Narcissism is more severe and you would like help in breaking away from him/her, then we can assist and support you in doing so also. It can be a profound act of self love to accept who he/she is and to step away for your own well being. As you leave a Narcissist, most partners go through the 5 phases of grief: Denial, rage, bargaining, sadness and acceptance. Without the support of a helping knowledgeable Professional, many partners find it verydifficult to get past the denial stage, orrepeatedly go back to their partner(in the bargaining stage), or can becomestuck in rageagainst their partner. Additionally, it is very easy tounwittingly "attract" another Narcissistinto your life in your next relationship if you haven't been able to look at your own patterns of why you have attracted, accommodated and tolerated this kind of behaviour. Therefore it is important to understand, process and learn from this painful experience, so that you are rewarded with a stronger sense of self, compassion for yourself, and are able to move on to a mutually beneficial real loving relationship in the future. OurPersonal Empowerment/ Recovery programinvolves 12 steps: 1. Insightand a thoroughunderstandingof the dynamics of what has been happening in your relationships. 2. Uncover and express yourfeelingsand have these feelings and experiencesvalidatedby someone who understands what you have been experiencing. 3. Process these emotions and recognise these patterns frompast relationships, including your parents, in order to clear them from your subconscious patterns. 4. Discovering your genuineneeds and wantsas an individual and in a relationship. 5. Be aware of your feelings and manage youremotional selfon a daily basis. 6. Learn to buildhealthy boundarieswith others, where you care for but don't take on emotional responsibility for anyone other than yourself. 7. Rediscover yourown intuitionand trust it again, rather than your partner's negative views of you. 8. Encouragement tobelieve in yourselfagain and recognise your magnificence. 9. Recognising andmanaging the desire to go backto the unhealthy Narcissist. 10. Helpredesign your lifefrom the inside out, trusting in yourself and who you really are. 11. Findthe Giftin this relationship for you. How have you grown in yourself as a result of these experiences? 12. Moving onto anew equal relationshipensuring a healthy love. Narcissist screening test, and learn the ability to recognise the difference between real love and fake or controlling love. This Individual Program is available by our trained Psychologists in 70 locations Australia wide, either In-house, by Phone or Skype Sessions - 50 mins. This program will take from 2 to 6 sessions, depending on your needs and circumstances. Cost: $150 ($170 for after hours sessions) Phone1300 830 552to enquire or make an appointment . Private Health Insurance Rebates apply and Medicare Rebates may apply (please check for details)
...read more