As a counselor for many years here in Southern New Hampshire,  I must say that I truly enjoy working with couples inpremarital counseling.   For example, meeting with couples comparatively early in their relationship, we can explore communications and decision-making patterns which are just taking shape.  This makes it so much easier to understand their developing relationship patterns, reinforcing the nice ways in which they support and complement one another, and bring out the best in each other ... but also the potential foibles and pitfalls.  We can talk about these in ways that might actually be an enjoyable part of a couple getting truly to know one another, and a helpful thing in the longer term. Of course premarital counseling involves talking about the here-and-now stress of all the decisions you face together as you head toward marriage.  This may include the wedding plans and details (and family topics that often come with that), careers and housing, child and family hopes, and so on. Also open for discussion  are more abstract topics of commitment and security, affection and intimacy needs, boundaries and how you define your relationship, and so on.  The topics of concern to you typically provide the "content" for the premarital counseling conversations  as we simultaneously explore the "process" or dynamics of how you relate to one another.  For example, how you communicate with one another, how communications can sometimes get disrupted, how decisions are made, and how disagreements are managed. Photo:  Consider it a fascinating exploration rather than a "dredging up" of things! Premarital counseling often involves some exploration of one another's family backgrounds to appreciate how personality patterns, communications styles, and relationship expectations more generally have been shaped by what we learned growing up:  the memories and joys of our childhood and adolescence, as well as the challenges, what came to be important to each of us, and how we learned to pursue our goals. These premarital explorations and sharing, as a couple, can bring you closer as you learn more about one another. It can help the you put your differences (and potential future differences) into a less threatening context.  Years later, when life is more complicated with children, careers, in-laws and extended families, and so on, it can make it easier to 'get back to the basics' when problems develop.  Frankly, I think that couples who had a good experience in premarital counseling are more willing to return to counseling -- and return to reflecting and sharing -- when there are new concerns. It is my hope that premarital counseling will be approached as an educational and pleasurable sharing rather than some dreaded clinical procedure!  It's a conversation; it's an aide to the lifelong conversation that really defines your marital relationship.  I often joke that we should ask premarital couples, “Would you like the service contract?” Maybe it’s not such a joke, though. Establishing a relationship with a counselor early-on, and viewing that person (or at least such an option) as a future resource, might be very helpful. ...read more

Have you ever noticed how certain personality differences between partners in a relationship can grow larger if the partners are not aware of them and careful to address this diverging tendency?  In working with couples,  I have seen how personality differences can reverberate between two people over time, making their differences seem larger and larger.  Eventually they become major recurring themes in couples' struggling or growing apart. For example, so many times I've seen couples where one person is "The Worrier" while the other is "The Laissez-Faire."  The Worrier does not feel better to hear from the Laissez-Faire partner, "Don't worry about it," "You worry too much,"  or "Just forget about it."  The Worrier may conclude that the partner "just doesn't get it," doesn't understand, believe or respect his or her concerns.  The Worrier feels increasingly alone with the worriers, bottled-up, not understood or appreciated, and may radiate the tension in other ways (e.g., irritable behavior, distancing, demeaning comments, etc.)   The Laissez-Faire partner, who means well and is trying to comfort,  may feel more badgered in return, or feel married to someone who seems "obsessed with one thing" and "just won't let it go."  It becomes harder for both. Another common emerging dichotomy is "The Cynic" and "The Pollyanna."  Many readers will identify with "The Rational" and "The Emotional," "The Intensifier" and "The Suppressor," "The Aggressive" and "The Passive Aggressive," "The Future-Oriented" and the "Present Moment Person," the "Action Oriented" and the "In Their Head Person," "The Security-Seeker" and "The Risk Taker," and so on.  Have I forgotten any? Each polarity seems to grow more extreme over time because of the counter pressure from the other, and the accumulating ballast of disagreements.  Rather than acquiesce, each person tries, again and again, to drive home the points that aren't being acknowledged ... Sometimes it seems that, in our closest relationships, we can become like caricatures of ourselves.  Our own arguments can feel like two people dueling over strongly expressed views that even we ourselves may not really believe.  You know this is true, for example, when you think how embarrassing it would be if others heard the argument; or if you could imagine seeing yourself on a videotape trying to make your point! (Yes, it's a photo of the Grand Canyon!) The task for these couples is to increase mutual understanding and empathy, so that each person can move somewhat toward the middle again.   When each person feels more understood and appreciated, there is less need to overstate or dramatize, to convince, to "make the case" or defend it.  They can better see that each person is just trying to cope in his or her own usual ways.  Maybe they even can help one another move toward the center (A complementarity which may have attracted them to one another to begin with!).  Of course this may be difficult.  Often each polarity has accumulated so many "examples" over time, each an unfinished disagreement with hurt feelings (i.e., resentment), and their "being so close to it all" makes it harder to see.  Counseling can be helpful with this.   I think of that old TV show, "Crossfire."  There were intense political discussions "From the Right" and "From the Left" and certainly they had very different views ...  But I always assumed they went out to dinner together after the show and were the best of friends! ...read more

Have you ever noticed that, in a happy relationship, the partners mirror one another in ways that feel good?  That are mutually validating?  That give a quick and hearty sense of understanding and support?I like the metaphor of a relationshipbeing like two mirrors.  Each reflects back at the other an image that is consistent with the partner'spositive self-image.  It's pleasing to know that your partner sees you the way you like to see yourself.  He or she appreciates who you are, and values you for the traits that you see as special and defining of yourself.  It doesn't take a lot of explaining or enhancing (as it might in the world outside of your love life).  At home you don't have to Photo Shop the image! When a relationship starts to turn negative these images can get fuzzy and non-distinct.  The sense of understanding and appreciation gets blurred.  When relationships continue to spiral negatively, we each try to fix the image.   However, these efforts to "fix it" often can be defensive, and can bring out qualities in each partner that run quite contrary to our positive self-image.   Over time and accumulated resentments, the fuzzy images can become more distinct and unlike who we "know" ourselves really to be.  They can become like circus mirrors, where we are frightened to think, "She thinks that's me?" "He sees me that way?"This photo is of a plant in my office, coincidentally a "Crown of Thorns."  A pretty flower for such a name.   It makes me think of various ways we could build on this "mirror" metaphor.  For example, while flattering images of one another might feel good, they simply cannot always be so pristine!  We have to be able to give helpful feedback to one another in order to grow (and not grow apart).  However, irregularities in the evolving images need to be in proper perspective, and be incorporated in ways that we both can appreciate and experience as caring rather than hurtful.  Because a couple typically knows one another better than anyone else on Earth, there are so many insights about one another that can help or hurt.Every so often I think of this quote from Nietzsche:"You should honor even the enemy in your friend. In your friend you should possess your best enemy. Your heart should feel closest to him when you oppose him." (Friedrich Nietzsche)What to share?  How to share?  When?  When not?  "How can we have a deep discussion and not let it become an argument?"  "We just don't talk about things like we used to."   Here is the huge topic of "communication" in a close relationship:  To be able to bring those images to life, allowing them to change,  develop, and adapt to all that life brings us.   The mirrors cannot be images frozen in time. ...read more