Kinship Studios in Highland Park is offering a free TREworkshop Sunday, May 24, 2015 from 4-5:30pm. I highly recommend you try it; TREis a wonderful stress-relief tool. And hey--it's free! Read on for more information from their sitetrelosangeles.com: "Join us for a FREE Tension Release Exercise (TRE) class to discover this powerful self-healing tool for yourself!  TRE is a simple set of exercises that turns on your body's natural rebalancing process--providing an immediate experience of relaxation. By releasing everything from everyday stress to deeply held physical tension and trauma, TRE frees you up to meet life's challenges with greater skill and ease. Best of all, your body does the work; you get relief without needing to process or retell your story. The exercises work for all body types and are easily adaptable for any fitness level or mobility challenge. If you enjoy TRE, you can sign up to take a full class series or continue to practice it independently.  Empower your body to heal itself, and open up to greater sense of joy and wholeness. People in more than 100 countries use TRE. Join them to experience documented benefits, including: Release of chronic tension and emotional or physical trauma Increased energy and stamina Less anxiety Relief from body aches, including back pain, headaches, and TMJ Enhanced ability to stay focused and connected Improved sleep Better mood Greater mobility Class is free, but pre-registration is required.  Open to ages 17 and up.  ONLY 1 REGISTRATION PER PERSON, PLEASE! FREE parking on the street and a combination of free and paid parking in the lot behind the studio. In consideration of all participants, this class series is fragrance-free.  Please do not wear scented personal care products, including 'natural' products." Click through toregisterfor the class. Do it ASAP as classes fill up quickly! Happy shaking! ...read more

Let me tell you an entirely fictional story about an entirely made-up married couple, Dorothy and Jonah. The couple is embroiled in an argument about a contentious event that happened earlier in the day, and while the details are a little murky, there can be no doubt that the conflict is steadily escalating. “That’s not what I said,” Jonah insists. “What I said was—” “No, Jonah,” Dorothy interrupts. “You said such-and-such.” “No, I—” “Yes, you did!” Dorothy responds, her body stiffening. “Well, okay,” Jonah falters, looking away from his wife. His voice is slower now, softer. “What I meant was such-and-such. Maybe I don’t remember everything I said exactly, but I really tried to say that.” Dorothy’s gaze is unwavering, her face twisting in anger. “How can you say that?” she scoffs. “That is not what you said! What you said was such-and-such, and that’s why I yelled at you, because I was afraid for the kids!” Jonah has no reply for Dorothy’s dropped payload. He sighs audibly, scowling. He looks defeated, withering under the weight of Dorothy’s incessant rebuttals. Sound familiar? So often in our most intimate relationships, we become emotionally triggered and we lose it completely. Dorothy’s intensifying anger has made sure that she is not in Kansas anymore, and Jonah has been swallowed whole by overwhelming feelings of failure and inadequacy. As Terry Real (2013) put it in a recent article in The Therapist magazine, when Jonah and Dorothy are screaming at each other like this, “they’re truly lost—lost to each other, and to themselves” (p. 7). In moments like these, we become lost to ourselves because we react without thinking when someone pushes our most sensitive buttons. A knee-jerk reaction to fight or flight kicks in to respond to the threat. During escalating arguments, then, we dig in our heels in self-protection, clinging tenaciously to what we believe is “right” or what “really happened.” Our agenda of being right usually leads to disaster because one partner inflicts devastation upon the other while protecting him- or herself, just as Dorothy did to Jonah. Over time, each partner’s unwillingness to relinquish their monopoly on the truth and accept the other’s point of view leads to a pattern of dominance and submission, which makes connecting even harder. In our fictional example, chances are Dorothy and Jonah have been arguing this way for some time. Dorothy reacts with anger and dominates Jonah, who unconsciously reacts with withdrawal and submission, while each of them wonder if the other is “crazy.” This pattern is called split complementarity, and it’s bad juju for relationships. What, then, can couples do? In a few words, they need to let go of their need to be right. Partners need to realize that what they perceive as real is real for them, and until they do so, they won’t be able to see and value the other’s perspective. Dorothy’s insistence on her version of events prevented her from appreciating Jonah’s feelings, which were quite real to him. Jonah, too, was unwilling to give an inch at first, as angry as he was, but then anger gave way to resignation and continued disinterest in Dorothy’s emotional world. To consciously choose to stop being interested in “the absolute truth” and start showing interest in what’s true for their partner is a big leap for most couples. It’s a difficult relational habit to cultivate, and therapy can help. Imagine, though, what would happen if during an argument, one partner paused and said, “I think I can understand why you’re saying that. I really get that you’re angry right now, especially since you’ve been hurt before in similar situations. I think I’d be angry too if what you’re describing happened to me.” Letting go of the “absolute truth” does not mean that each partner is correct. Rather, it acknowledges differences instead of steamrolling over them, acceding that one partner’s point of view may be better than the other’s or that a third perspective may be best. This kind of authentic, connecting dialogue can only happen, however, if each partner stops striving for dominance for the betterment of the relationship. ...read more

Every couple fights, but fewer couples know how to fight well, that is, to argue in ways that prevent conflicts from causing collateral emotional damage or escalating into vehement brouhahas. Arguing with your partner in ways that actually cultivate intimacy, vulnerability, and emotional safety is difficult for reasons I have recently considered with you. As we saw a couple of weeks ago, all of us bring “emotional baggage” into our relationships. Each of us has at the center of our loads of painful luggage some core beliefs we have about ourselves that strongly shape our emotional lives and how we experience ourselves and our relationships (in ways that are within and outside of our awareness). Last week, we looked at how these core beliefs and our emotional and behavioral reactions to them can create vicious cycles of conflict as partners trigger and perpetuate each other’s pain. Even though our core beliefs influence considerably our emotional well-being and relationships, arguing constructively with your partner is within reach. Here are six steps you can take to help you feel more connected to and safe with your partner during your next quarrel: 1. Stop. In the throes of relational strife, slowing the freight train of our physiological, emotional, and behavioral responses is challenging but not impossible. You can often interrupt your verbal brawl by simply taking a deep breath or calling a brief time-out. The key here is recognizing what you would normally do during a conflict (e.g., blaming your partner, yelling, withdrawing) and doing something else—anything that isn’t harmful to you or your relationship. 2. Accept your perspective as a slice of a much bigger picture. “No, that’s not true!” How many times have you heard or said this or something like it during an argument with your partner?    As you contend for what you feel is “objectively” right, you will completely miss your partner’s point of view, which, as we have seen, will probably result in more pain for both of you. Instead, for the betterment of your relationship, listen to and try to understand your partner’s point of view. 3. Ask yourself what you are feeling, and why you feel that way. Whatever you are feeling during your most intense arguments—alone, inadequate, or worthless, to name a few emotions—is almost certainly not new. Conflict in our closest relationships stirs up intense feelings and reactions that are invariably tied up with the painful core-beliefs we hold about ourselves, beliefs we learned about ourselves during hurtful interactions in childhood. You might try asking yourself, How am I feeling? Is the feeling familiar to me? When do I first remember feeling that way? Self-reflection isn’t easy, especially during an argument, but it’s a great way to (1) lessen the power of your feelings during an argument, so that you don’t automatically react in harmful ways, and (2) open up your emotional world to yourself so that you can share it with your partner. 4. Share your feelings with your partner. You may or may not understand what you’re feeling. Indeed, you may feel confused about what your emotions are, or maybe you feel numb, unsure if you feel anything at all. Wherever you are emotionally, tell your partner about what is going on inside of you. If you are fearful of sharing your feelings and being vulnerable (and you probably are if your partner is still “on the attack”), how could you share that feeling? Whatever your feelings are, in sharing them, you are inviting your partner to connect with you even in the midst of your pain. Of course, in doing so, you are risking a lot since your partner may not respond in kind, but your vulnerability may soften your partner and help you feel more connected to each other. 5. Validate, validate, validate. There are good reasons that you are feeling the way you are, even though you might not be aware of them. Equally valid is the way that you have normally responded to these feelings, harmful though they are; growing up and feeling the pain that you did, you found ways to survive. Maybe you hid your real feelings in order to keep close relationships intact. Maybe you physically or emotionally ran away to protect yourself. Whatever the case, you have your pain and ways of coping with it, and so does your partner. Validating your partner’s feelings will let him or her know that you’re “keyed in” to what they are feeling, and it will help ease your partner’s pain. Try something like, “I can see why you would feel that way because . . .” or, “I think I’m starting to get why this is so important to you, because . . .” Keep in mind that validation is not endorsement or agreement. 6. Be empathically curious about your partner’s perspective and feelings. “I don’t really understand why you’re feeling that way. Can you help me?” Such questions show your partner not only that you are interested in his or her point of view, but also that you are genuinely concerned about your partner. When you are curious about your partner’s feelings, you are validating and valuing your partner’s feelings, lessening his or her pain and telling your partner that they really matter to you. The more intense your argument, the closer the matter that you’re arguing about is to your heart, the harder these steps will be. However, even attempting them will likely put a lid on an argument about to explode and help you stay connected and intimately close to your partner. ...read more