Heal & Grow for ACoAs

The TIES THAT BIND

• Having boundaries (Bs) is the opposite of being enmeshed (symbiotic)*. Humans are not born with Bs,&have to develop them with the guidance of healthy nurturing, so the main caregiver (mother) needs to be a secure base from which the infant can safely explore its environment. The well-grounded mother experiences the child as separate from herself, although from her body, so even if she’s anxious or sick, is able to be nurturing because she finds the helplessness&needs of the baby irresistibly appealing. She is not overwhelmed or put off by them, like in alcoholic / dysfunctional homes

• With the proper care, gradually the all-consuming ME of the child will separate from the NON-ME (all others), & personal boundaries are formed.  Being given a solid foundation is crucial before the age of 9 or 10, as by then our defense mechanisms are SET & a bad beginning will generate a harmful crop of defenses that are hard to change

* Symbiosis: At birth: “...it is experienced by both the mother and the child as a temporary merging or sharing of their needs", an important early phase of omnipotent fusion between the two which is gradually given up over a long process of S & I.  The infant’s experience is: I cried, I got fed, aren’t I great!  This invincibility is alternately ascribed by the baby to the grandiose self (“I am all-powerful) & to the idealized mother/caretaker (“She is all powerful”).  As the child separates and internalizes the parent, IF it’s a positive experience, he or she can safely become their own person, with a sturdy sense of self-hood, along with a Positive Introject

• When this satisfying connection is not available or adequate for the child, it spills over into adulthood, so that:  In unhealthy relationships: ".... symbiosis occurs when two or more individuals behave as though between them they only have one complete personality....”, rather than being 2 separate people, neither with a full complement of ego states, such as one person functioning from their Adult & Parent while the other only from their Child part - forming one unit between them.  This is why it’s so hard for codependents to leave what others may see as destructive attachments - they would be cutting off a ‘part of themselves‘ since they have not grown their own complete identity

1. Normal Development

• Children are highly intuitive, intelligent & curious. But in the first few months they experience little difference between self & others, between inner & outer, fantasy & reality.  The work of Mahler, Kernberg, Hartmann, Spitz et.al. identified 3-4 important developmental stages - not occurring in a straight line but more like a fluctuating helix:

i. Autistic or Undifferentiation, in the first month of life, during which the infant is in its own inner world, with a minimum awareness of ‘others’ & a focus on reducing physical & emotional tension

ii. Symbiotic, for the next 4 months, the infant becomes more aware of the mother/caretaker as the source of fullness & warmth, but not as a separate person

iii. Separation-Individuation, made up of a series of sub-phases, thru the 3rd or 4th year of life, when the child begins to investigate the world beyond its own body thru sight, locomotion, language.... & later, conflicts with mother about needing her vs. needing some independence, which requires much help in balancing 

iv. Object constancy, developed during the S & I period, around age 2 1/2 to 3, when the child is able to experience both the ‘good’ & ‘bad’ (providing & withholding) sides of the mother as one whole, as basically dependable & trustworthy, not perfect but not dangerous --- assuming she’s mentally & emotionally sound!

• In this process, children idealize parents as the source of all PMES provisions:

-- Parents are ‘gods’, all-powerful, all-knowing, all-providing, & baby has direct access, without having to earn it

-- small children have strong & erratic feelings & when the mother is not emotionally fragile their adoration, clinging, neediness, tantrums, withdrawals, rages.... will not injure or topple ‘god’ - ie. Love is NOT conditional on the child’s behavior or reactions towards the parent. When her love is unfailing, the universe is safe!

John Bradshaw stated: Before the age of 7 children ‘deify their parents, & after 7 they parentalize their Deity’. This means that how we experience a Higher Power is a reflection of how well or how badly our parents treated us! A truism from ACA meetings is that “God is NOT an alcoholic parent”!

• Without their own boundaries, infants need mother’s affection & attention to not be ambivalent, because babies have:

External stressors: 

Too much input coming at them from many sources, which they cannot process by themselves. Need mother to arrange their world to minimize overstimulation, while also providing the right amount (touch, music, talking...). Her ability to limit internal & external excitement for baby is a substitute for its lack of defenses, until it can mature to form it’s own

Internal stressors:

-- Physical needs: hunger, wetness, gas, need for comfort & safety.... Need mother to protect from pain & discomfort - holding, affection, changing, feeding, attention....

-- Emotional reactions: extreme, all B & W & so without nuances - rage, terror, intense frustration, as well as over-excitement, joy, pleasure.... Need mother to tame & channel emotional buildups before they explode by breaking into the ‘trance’, whether too high or too low, & protect child from their own behaviors (pounding their head or first, throwing a tantrum, manically running around, screaming with excitement....)

Mother needs to have good Bs, so she can: 

-- be emotionally available & responsive to baby, AND provide a one-way affection bond, allowing the child the freedom to develop in a protected environment, without having to take care of the adult

-- give baby reliable non-verbal communication & appropriate kinds of interactions, which will establish the child’s ability to trust others

-- clearly give the message that having needs & getting them met is normal, acceptable & will not harm her in any way

✶ It’s not possible to have boundaries without the right to our needs

In a HEALTHY family, children learn that:

• parents emotions are consistent & separate from those of the child

• parents do not compete with their children for anything: not for attention, affection, information, skills, friends, support....

• kids are allowed a wide range of emotions without punishment

• extremes of emotions do not indicate ‘reality’ (danger)

• managing all emotions is taught, directly & by example

• a distinction is clearly made between real trauma & small problems

CHART: Healthy Attachment & Separation

Birth: mother & child are ONE - normal symbiosis

Early years: parents are a stable, consistent source of comfort and knowledge. Children’s emotional life is intense & extreme, fluctuating a great deal. As they grow, they need to be be able to move away from under the parental wing for self-expression & then back again, knowing they will be welcomed without judgement AND without hurting their parent’s feelings or ego for being a separate entity!  The child can be emotionally dramatic, make mistakes, learn about their capacities & limits, knowing there’s a safe base to return to 

Adolescence: a time for more intense separation & 

individuation. Some rebellion is necessary, & separation 

is achieved by forming outside attachments, including 

sexual interplay

Adulthood: a clear sense of self.  Parents are never peers, only other adults whom we love but do not ne-e-e-d! 

BOUNDARIES (Bs) are an essential component of physical, mental, emotional&spiritual health (PMHS).  Bs are the beneficial “rules of relationships”.  They represent the opposite of manipulation. The difference between asserting boundaries & being manipulative? When we are setting a boundary, we let go of the result!

• Children are not born with a built-in concept of Bs, being more likely to resist any sort of limits put on them - so it’s natural for them to test how much they can get away with.  However, because the world is a big, overwhelming, unpredictable, & therefore scary place - they have a great need for appropriate Bs & actually feel safer when provided. No matter how much children may struggle against Bs at first, when parents gently insist & persist, most of them learn & adapt to legitimate rules quite easily.

• Nourishing parents are both good role models and good teachers of Bs. They set limits that are: age appropriate, reasonable, and consistent, in ways the child can understand.  When taught to have healthy Bs, children become well-mannered & confident adults.

Too MUCH: limits that are too narrow & rigid for a child will:

-- smother their creativity, imagination, sense of possibilities

-- make them afraid to think for themselves or take independent actions without being told what to do, think or feel

-- make them afraid of taking any kind of risk, even normal ones

-- make them afraid to reach their highest potential, prevent them from expressing their true self, keep their ‘light under a bushel’

AND THEN, some kids will eventually rebel by not wanting any limits! They go haywire & end up harming themselves & others

Too LITTLE: too loose or non-existent Bs create children who: 

-- feel uncared for by parents, not important enough to guide

-- are rude, disruptive & disrespectful in the world - any time, any place limits are set for them 

-- don’t know how to get along with others, often get into trouble & experience being disliked by most people

-- think they’re entitle to anything & everything 

-- ignore all forms of authority

OR are so confused by having too many options, not having guidelines & not knowing where to draw the line, they become afraid to venture our in the world, for fear of being constantly overwhelmed or making a fool of themselves

• Both styles damage children’s self-esteem because unconditional love was missing in childhood. Both styles indicate parental dysfunction & concern for their own needs at their children’s expense. (See ‘Healthy Parenting’, pgs. 4 & 62 from Site Map)

Bs are about:

• protecting our body, our identity, our rights, our values

• expressing our needs, wants & preferences

• making it clear what is acceptable, or not, from others

• choosing who & what we want to allow into our lives

PREREQUISITE for having Bs

We cannot develop Bs if we don’t believe we have rights, since activating Bs means expressing those right, so we have to: 

• know what our need are - both those common to all humans, and those specific to our true self (not the damaged self!)

• have internal permission to acknowledge & honor those needs, in opposition to the PP voice

• actively provide those needs, both for ourselves & with the help of others when appropriate

✓  NEEDS - fundamental ones common to all people, everywhere, in all timeframes, from absolute necessities to the most precious: Subsistence, Protection, Affection, Understanding, Participation, Leisure, Creation, Identity, Freedom.

✶ One way to picture personal Bs is to see it as an impermeable but clear energy container completely surrounding us, with an invisible zipper down the front, from head to toe. We can see out & others can see us, but we are inside a protective shield. The zipper allows for easy access, but what’s of major importance is whether the zipper tab in on the inside or the outside!

-- EXTERNAL: If the tab is on the outside everyone we come in contact can pull it up or down, as they please, so we’re at the mercy of others

-- INTERNAL: If it’s on the inside then WE decide when to open ourselves up, or not, and how far down we pull the tab speaks to how much of ourselves we choose to expose, depending on the situation

✶ Another image for Bs is that it’s like our skin (see CHART above) - IT:

-- breathes, so it lets toxins out and take in nutrients

-- can be injured, but also repaired

-- covers us completely, thus containing all our physical components

-- is elastic, so can expand & contract......

PURPOSE of Bs

I LIKE HELPING! As long as I take care of myself in the process

✦ Many ACoAs are trained from birth to be helpers, regardless of their native personality style&interests. There's an ironic saying in recovery circles: "ACOAs are born with an MSW (Masters in Social Work) and get their Birth Certificate later"!

✦ This generally represents the Hero role ( pg.20 on SiteMap) which is most often the job of the first born child in a dysfunctional family.  They're supposed to pick up the slack where the parents leave off – being the little adult to make the family look healthier than it really is, but at the expense of the child.

✦ This caretaker role becomes so deeply ingrained that it is usually carried into all of our ADULT relationships.  It requires unceasing effort on behalf of others instead of caring fully for ourselves. (‘RESCUING – False Helping').

✦ On the other hand, there are ACoAs who, by their very nature, are meant to be in the helping or service professions (including people born with strong Water Sign influences in their astrological chart – esp. Pisces & Cancer).

✦ For those of us so designed, the ideal is to be of genuine help to others, as a way to express our Highest Self – without resorting to the toxic patters of co-dependence, self-hate, boundary invasion, fear of abandonment & over-control.

1. OVERVIEW  - Before Helping, ask yourself:
a. What do I know about the person I may help?
• are they responsible & self-caring?
• did they ask me directly& specifically, for something?
• will they be OK with you, if you can't do what they want?
b. What exactly do they want?
• can they truly do it for themselves?
• is the request ‘clean' (emotionally & verbally honest)?
• how many parts to the request are there, actually?
• what are the consequences/ price TO ME?
c. Can I Comply?
• am I really able to do this? (not beyond my ability OR not being asked to do the impossible?)
• do I WANT to do it?  If ‘Yes' – what's my motive?
• what does it require of me – specifically?
• will I be angry if I do it, OR remorseful/ guilty, if I don't?
• do I want anything in return? What are my expectations?

2. Prerequisites - for H.H.
a. In US
• having good self-esteem, solid sense of identity not dependent on others
• having developed strong boundaries, not needing to be symbiotic
• not needing to use people to feel good about ourselves
• being able to keep the ‘focus on oneself' – not be enmeshed with the needs & emotions of others
• knowing our individual and human limitations, without judgment or self-hate
• knowing what's real, in the recovery process, about:
– emotions: each person is responsible for their own, & are manageable
– the growth process: it's slow & has to be experienced personally
– what mental health is  (pgs. 59, 60, 63 from sitemap)
– what can be dealt with: what's possible or not possible (ACoAs tend to get these backwards!) Refer to "The Serenity Prayer"

b. In THEM
ARE:
• actively taking care of themselves (personal responsibility)
• actually ask for the help they want or need
• be clear about what they need (be direct & specific)
• are truly ‘dis-abled' in some way (ADD, PTSD, depression, physical illness…)
• are able to use what you give then – apply it to their lives & use it to grow
➼ "Give a man a fish & you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish & you feed  him for a lifetime." Chinese proverb
DON'T… :
• need to suck you dry / cling, use you as a parent substitute
• try to copy your personality, instead of forming their own
• expect you to be perfect, know everything, take care of them
• blame you for things that don't work, that they can't do, for disappointing outcomes

3. WHEN….
• you don't have to keep your antennae up all the time – to check for what's wrong, walk on egg shells, worry about being accused wrongly…
• it's short term, bcs they're growing, learning, changing
• you only have to do ‘so much' & then back off & let them handle things
• don't take an action from being guilted or shamed by someone
• not to boost your self-esteem or sense of identity
• you're cup is full enough that you're not draining yourself dry
• don't NEED a return for your efforts – it is appropriate to get paid, get thanked, have some reciprocity, BUT not secretly NEED it
• they genuinely can't do something for themselves, but it's temporary
• you can do it without being resentful or hurt yourself in some way
• you're NOT trying to do the impossible (force-fix someone's damage)

4. HOW
• by setting limits with self & others
• speaking the truth (emotional or intellectual); some won't want to hear it & will go away, but others will appreciate & value it
• ASK Qs – Re. their problem: What do you need from me? What have you already done?  What are you planning to do?…
• give EMOTIONAL support (heart), instead of solutions (head, actions)
• be clear about what you can & cannot do OR will & will not do
• wait to see if they CAN do something on their own OR if there's someone else who can / will help them
• help someone think a problem thru – THEIR way
• don't jump in, don't assume you know what's needed

➼ SOMETIMES, DO-ing NOTHING is the best or only option
ALSO:
• OK to do someone a favor sometimes  – even if they can do it themselves, if it's on your way, not a burden, something you like to do
• OK to help someone get thru emotionally hard times – death of loved one, work trauma, health problems…
….AS LONG AS the HELPEE is respectful of your time & efforts, appropriately (not overly) appreciative & is not an emotionally bottomless pit

5. RESULTS
a. IN US - WE
✧ feel satisfied, pleased, ‘full', comfortable, relaxed
✧ feel good about ourselves, but don't need it for our identity
✧ are not depleted or resentful
✧ feel more connected to others, & the world
✧ don't have to ‘hide' any more from needy ‘pests'
b. IN THEM — if they're OK (reasonably healthy)
✧ they grow & improve, no matter how slowly
✧ are empowered & gain self-esteem
✧ don't resent or blame you
✧ are appreciative but not fawning
✧ become more independent, & inter-dependent
✧ get real nurturing from your help
-- if they're not OK (still too damaged)
✦ they'll be resentful, attack you, accuse you of not caring, bad mouth you to others, accuse you of abandoning them & of being SELFISH….
….BECAUSE you're NOT rescuing them!

6. DON'T Do Something IF:
• YOU are needy/ in need, at the moment OR Overextended
• you're going to do it out of guilt or from too great an obligation
• they need too much from you – - more than you can give or more than is appropriate to ask
• you just do not want to OR it is truly, deeply not right for you to do.  Do not JUSTIFY your ‘NO'
• you don't feel safe helping a specific person, because they're a taker, user, abuser, bully… &
no matter what you give, it will never be right or enough!

➼ TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST & ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!